My Journey with Depression
Depression is a literal bitch.
It fucks your whole life up because it changes everything about you. You could be the most extroverted person before depression but when life kicks your ass and you don’t have many positive things in your life, it turns you into the complete opposite. Today, the topic is something I’ve been mentioning since I started writing with JJ (the CEO of this whole operation). It’s a pretty serious topic and jokes will be made a little but in reality I’m hoping to help someone else. Alright so today, I’ll finally be speaking on my depression and how I overcame it. Trigger warning, if you can’t handle talk of suicide or shit like that get the fuck. Like seriously it gets pretty damn dark.
Family and friends have been asking me to write about this because I’ve always been so brief when speaking on the matter. I’m only doing this for awareness and a hope to help someone that is going through the same thing. Check on your friends and family. Especially now during this quarantine. Like seriously.
I’m about to expose a lot about my life so sit back and chill for a minute. I was diagnosed with severe depression back in January 2019 but it started after I graduated high school. In July, my uncle had a motorcycle accident that involved a cop somehow and got his life taken away. The day my family found out, we had a family reunion going on at the time and usually it’s a time to be happy but it wasn’t. It was a time full of drama and heavy hearts and emotionally, I had to shut down to get through it. A few cousins and his adoptive daughter blew things out of proportion and to this day, I will never talk to them. It was hard to see everyone have to repress their emotions to get through the process. I never let myself grieve, never cried for the loss of someone I was so close to. The next month, I started school.
When school started, I thought I was ok.
I repressed the fact that my uncle is gone to get through the semester but shit hit the fan. In October, my father cheated on my mother with two other women. You can imagine my anger but more importantly I was hurt because I couldn’t be there for my family. Every time he did something like this, it mostly turned into something physical. I became self destructive from that point on. I became angry all the time, I cried too often, I neglected myself and my school work. It was a very shitty time. At the moment, I thought I was just in a funk so I thought nothing of it. It got worse in late November to December. I didn’t care about myself at all. I walked around campus late as hell (I really didn’t care if I got raped, kidnapped none of that...depression is a bitch), I got irritated easily, I never went to class because my bed was my comfort, I smoked all the time, I cried at least twice a day and overall I just felt drained. I felt hopeless, helpless, worthless and overall stuck in a dark hole I couldn’t get out of.
My friends tried to help.
But I was too far gone. I was beyond help from family and friends. I needed a professional and I knew that. My family told me to just pray and my friends told me to get out more but this thing was eating me alive. It was like a piece of me was dying everyday as dramatic as that sounds. I tried to bring myself out of it. Tried a new hobby and it didn’t help. I tried to stay outside and I just felt anxiety and insecure. The only place I felt ok was my dorm. My roommate didn’t live on campus so it was just my room. I wanted the emptiness, the worthlessness, the pure aching despair to end. So I made a plan without anyone knowing.
Sadly, I had a plan.
There was no note. No tapes. Nothing like that. I just wanted to slip away as peacefully and painlessly possible. I planned to overdose. I did my research and made a day to do it. In January at the start of the semester, I wanted to go in the third week. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was going to do anything because people would get suspicious and ask me questions I didn’t want to hear. I put on a face and acted like I was fine. Over the break, Christmas was a drag. I lost the one man I could look up to and my dad. Yes, that was shade cause my dad has always been an absent father. He’s the source of most of my trauma. It was a hard time for me because I actually got a roommate so I couldn’t tell the best time to do it (and lowkey she was a bit of a bitch).
Luckily, I had a tiny bit of hope left.
I went ahead and made an appointment with the counselling services there and was immediately put in a behavioral hospital. I made the appointment because I didn’t know if I wanted to go forward with my plan. Something told me to make an appointment and if I couldn’t be helped, to do it. The whole process of being in the hospital was scary but necessary. I didn’t know what was going on because the cop just dropped me off and left. I really wanted my mom at that point because I was afraid of everything. I came out with a different mind because I was put on antidepressants and I knew I wasn’t alone. There were many people there just like me going through different situations but with the same outcome.
I went home.
The best thing for me was to just go home. I packed my shit and left. For a few months, I just worked on myself mentally. I wanted to be strong so I never have to feel that way again. Slowly but surely with the help of therapy, I went back to normal but I noticed a lot of changes. I had a better appreciation for life and the world. I didn’t stress over things I couldn’t control, I loved myself again (maybe even more than before), and overall I felt more confident in myself. My relationship with God got stronger because I believe that small hope to get help was Him telling me not to give up.
Today, I am happy and fully over my depression.
I stopped taking my medication in February. I felt strong enough to handle my own mind. I felt strong enough to tell that overwhelming sadness in myself to stop shitting on my parade. I’m making progress to say the least. I got a car, I’m back in school (at home though, it’s for the best), and I’m not angry or sad anymore. I took the time to grieve for my uncle and although I miss him, I know he’s alright. I took the time to forgive my father for all the shit he caused me in life. Most importantly, I took the time to forgive myself because I was going to make the biggest mistake that would’ve caused nothing but more pain.
Depression is something that can be beat with the right tools. Therapy and medication were a big help for me and they could be for someone else as well. If not medication then try a therapist. Everyone around you has an opinion on what you should do based on their beliefs and values. A therapist is simply a neutral party that has your best interest because that is what their career is. They know all the healthy ways to cope and the best ways to help you battle your depression and win. It doesn’t even have to be depression. It could be a major decision you’re at a crossroads with or a way to deal with a toxic person in your life.
It’s ok to be depressed but if it’s constant and only getting worse then please please please get help. It’s a bit hard to do during this quarantine but there are therapists that will talk to you over the phone or through a video call. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s better to reach out for help than to end a life.
Some people say “oh why didn’t you just get help early?” Sweetheart, with depression you feel like a bother for even existing; it’s not that easy. “Are you really that sad?” or “Oh you’re just sad.” Depression is a serotonin deficiency, it’s literally a part of your brain not working properly. These types of ignorant questions just shouldn’t be said because it’s underestimating something that has driven so many people to taking their own life.
TAKE MENTAL ILLNESS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A PERSON SHOULD MAINTAIN.
BY THE WAY GET THE FRAGILE HEART HOODIE CAUSE THAT'S HOW I'M FEELING AFTER WRITING THIS.
I really opened up to y'all. That's how special you all are to me I guess. Other than that that’s it for me. I’ll probably give you an update for this coronavirus mess or maybe how baby fever is fuckin' me up or how bitches have no respect for the new woman in their ex's life...all shade. Thanks for reading. Sorry this was so dark but I had to get it off my chest. See Ya! Stay Safe!